If i get up i might fall down again....still again i get up

I cant seem to get things right.

Darin got drunk over me.

I didnt mean to hurt him. and i dont think he counts it my fault. I just mentioned in reply to asking me out somewhere, that yes, we should go do something, and could we please do something wednesday, because im sposed to go to lunch with Brett on friday, and ive never been out with a guy before, so this will be good practice since i know darin and dont know brett.

Weeeell...darin didnt even come to class wednesday, and when eric and dave called him, he was off on waterloo [in the boonies] and he was drunk. and dave and eric werent telling me what he said, but started asking me "what did you do to screw darin over? and what did you tell him?" well. gee. i just didnt think guys got that serious that fast. without telling me even. I must not understand the rules to this game, because everyone was asking me yesterday as welll "so, are you and darin a thing yet?". I am so naive.

I miss evan. i want my friend back. he wont even reply to my email.

mmmm. this weather cant be discribed by anything other than *huge*.

I love it. i went for a walk in the rain last night.

it was what i needed. definately. It took the heartbreak and the hugeness that was inside, and raged it outside and around myself in the form of the clouds rain and wind in the sky. Then its coolness calmed me down and left me wet and breathless. have you ever breathed rain?

the only thing that was missing was thunder and lighting.

halloween was not a happy night for me. i couldnt help thinking that someone hadnt written me. and that it was a sign that i wasnt worth the respect of an emailed reply. I told jason on the phone [he called me. hes wonderful] that i just really wanted chocolate. yes. and flowers. So he told me to check my email. and he had emailed me a flower made out of m&ms. a chocolate flower. I told him he got ten man points for that.

yesterday wasnt happy either, what with juggling three guys on the mind, and one of them getting drunk and all. Tim [my friend] was wonderful tho, and shares my love of leaves. We went on a walk on campus to take black and white photos of leaves, and found a spiral staircase next to a beautiful tree full of deeep daaark red leaves. We threw leaves down onto the steps of the stairs and took pics. Then he had me walk down the stairs and look up at him. hes going to develop them himself and send me the pics. and trissy  [trista] is going to photoshop all my leaves red. It will be gorgeous. After that, tim ellie and i went to the mall before tims 2 pm class, and since i mentioned wanting chocolate [i told them about jasons chocolate flower] he took me to see's and bought be chocolate. hes so cool.

then i stuck a red leaf in my hair for the rest of the day. it somehow made me feel better. and i went for a walk by myself. the sky was so pretty, with the sun getting lower [it was after four] and the wind picking up in preparation for the rain. I was walking thru the parking lots of a shopping center, and looking into the hoods of the cars to see the reflection of the clouds.

And i was listening to coldplay. sometimes, peace happens so quickly. and i was twelve again. and nate was with me, and we were walking the capital and he was telling me that sometimes, its ok to not be ok. and this didnt mean that there was something wrong with you, it just meant that you had accepted the fact of imperfection and that you were taking it in stride.

He always told me that when i wasnt ok. And now hes gone. and thats not ok. and now evans gone. and thats not ok. and im in love with evan. and thats not ok. and i know this now. and i also know that it will affect things. and thats not ok. does it mean that i wont be happy? no. does it mean that i cant have a life full of wonderful things? no. It just means that there are things in life that arent ok. and that leave me with little hollows that can only be filled with certain things that might never appear. but i understand this, and have taken it in stride. and that, my dears, is ok.